20 Bears

Friday, September 17, 2010

A month later...

After a month, I finally escaped from my tethers. How, you might ask? Well, since it's far too late for you or your pathetic friends to stop me, I'll tell you. See, I realized early on my captor's weakness--he kept me alive. That wasn't a weakness in itself, necessarily, but he DID provide me with a plastic utensil and told me that I knew what to do. Well, joke's on him, I used that plastic shard of freedom and SAWED my own leg off! Then I dragged myself, lightheaded and dying...

...wait. That was a movie I saw once. Oh crap. I did that movies-I-saw-real-life-mix-up thing again. Does that mean there isn't a park full of cloned dinosaurs I visited? Where did I get that hat, then? And why does it burn so bad when I pee?

Maybe it was that night where my memory got all fuzzy. But the guy buying me drinks was so nice. He said he liked my TMNT shirt and had sixlets in his car!

Either way, point is I'm home now, which means my father's basement, where I can hear his disappointment from my bed at night. Which brings me to my next question: can disappointment make you break out? Cause I'm getting these little red lumps all over my legs that itch real bad.

Anyhow, now that I'm back, the first order of business is to find a job (according to my father). Well, I told him where he could stick that! Eww, no you perv! I meant in my Easy-Bake-Oven, duh! I finally revealed to my father what I'm going to be: THE GREATEST AND MOST CRITICALLY RESPECTED STORY TELLER WRITING GUY IN THE WOOOOORRRRLLLD!!!

How do I do that? I have a plan! I'm going to find writerly people and ASK THEM QUESTIONS. Like, how do you tell stories for $$$$$$$$$ cause that's all that really matters anyway. Answers: coming soon.

In the meantime, if you see a dinosaur--DON'T TOUCH HIM I SAW HIM FIRST!

Oh, and if you're a sentence builder, I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU! And sixlets in my car.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Sometimes I write things

Several months ago, I came to a horrible realization: the dinosaurs in Europe are already dead. I couldn't save them. Since then, the reality and gravity of the situation has propelled me into a metaphorical limbo, or if you'd rather, a literal corner of my friend's room where I sleep on the floor and live off four table spoons of water a day. He won't even give me a pillow. And the leg iron he made me put on is really chaffing my ankle, it's starting to smell funny.

The other night was a meteor shower. He made me watch it. I don't remember much aside from the tears. Last time this happened, the mighty thunder lizards were here to protect us with their ultimate sacrifice.

Who will save us now?

Oh yeah...

20 bears. Duh.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Needed To Search For Something...

So after the last two chapters of the longest and greatest story ever told, I realized I had successfully depleted my entire reserve of dignity inspiration. Well, that just wasn't part of the plan, so I ask this guy in an alley my friend what I should do. He says to me, he says, "Go to Europe." So I says, "OK."

So here I am.

In England, to be precise. London to be preciser.

And you know what I found out?

England is waaaaaay ahead of the curve. Why? Let me explain: Turns out, England, along with most of Europe, has already abondoned the metric system in favor of a much more comprehensive, as well as AWESOME measurement: the Bear.

In Europe a plane travels one thousand bears per hour.

In Europe, I weigh .05 bears.

In Europe, it is .36 bear degrees out and partially cloudy.

Come on, planet Earth, hurry up! Don't let these tea-drinking, scarf-wearing buggers (I learned a new word) beat you to the bear punch! Hurry up and figure it out!

That is all. End of international transmission.

I'll be back in 43,000 bears. (that means a few days in 20BEARStown, which is the official new name of London, according to me.)

Friday, February 26, 2010

Chapter 2 and other stuff.

The Longest and Greatest Story of All Time:

Chapter 2

--As it Came to Pass that I Went To The Doctor and Bonded With 20 Bears All At Once.

I looked around the Doctor’s lab and saw lots of stuff that had blinky lights. That means they’re important or something. I read that once in a Japanese comic book encyclopedia.

The Doctor studied my twenty bears one at a time, pausing every once in a while to comment on how awesome they were. Finally, he looked up at me through thick, bottle cap glasses. “Well, you finally did it,” he said like a doctor.

“Told you I would.”

“Took you long enough,” he replied doctorly.

“Yeah, but it was worth it. We gonna do this or not?”

Doc frowned at me and adjusted that round, donut looking metal disc he wore on his forehead. It was like he was hoping I’d forget to ask. Too bad for him, I’ve never forgotten anything ever because I know how to read and fight.

“Bonding with the twenty bears is a very dangerous procedure. No one has survived the process. Are you sure you wish to proceed?” he said like someone who made a Hippocratic oath.

“I haven’t come this far to back out now.”

“Very well. Do you know the secret phrase of bear-bonding?” he asked medically.

“Of course.” I pulled a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket, read it aloud: “Bear-bonding…initiate!”

A storm manifested inside the laboratory. It rained and thundered and wind was blowing all over the place and bear hair was getting everywhere, shorting out those important blinky machines.

“You’ve done it!” Doc screamed like someone who decided from an early age to follow a career path helping others with their physical ailments, “You’ve done it!”

“This is for you, dad!” I shouted over the howling tempest.

As quickly as it had come, the storm dissipated.

“Now what?” I asked.

“Anything you want,” replied Doc. A tear welled in his eye, like the same way I imagined a proud father would look at his son after doing something awesome like punching an earthquake. “Anything you want.”

I knew exactly what I wanted. But I was gonna need a lot of courage and other positive qualities money to do it. And there’s only one place to get that kind of money.

“Come on, boys, we’re going to Hollywood!”

My bonded bears growled with delight.

But then I remembered something even more important than money: the Mega-Meteor!


Monday, February 22, 2010

The Lies End Now

I have to stop living in a dumpster behind a comic shop a lie. I think we all know that the greatest and longest story every told is not only amazing beyond comprehension, but also autobiographical (I think that means there are cars in it). I've tried to be a superhero called Dino-Rawr humble, but I feel that lying is just hurting the cause. I shall continue the story in a much more honest fashion. I apologize.

Chapter 1 (Of the REAL Longest and Greatest Story Ever Told)
As it Happened That I Came to Possess the Twentieth of Bears

In all the world, there are but two truths:

1. My father hates me.

and

2. The man who has twenty bears earns an existence free of locks and tethers. The world is his, but there will always be those that seek to destroy him.

Over the course of my twenty-seven years on this Earth, I have come to obtain twenty bears.

This is my story.

The building was ablaze. Chunks of fiery doom fell, almost ending our adventure where we stood. “It’s too much Awesome for the infrastructure to handle!” I screamed bellowed like a man. “Quickly, you must sound the call!”

One of my twenty let out a roar so deafening that the food court’s already weakened structural integrity gave way, crushing man, child, and corndog alike. I shuddered at their muffled cries, but, remembering my mission, was able to push any thought of sympathy to the back of my mind. “Good work,” I told my twenty. They growled their approval.

A Super Jet crashed through a nearby wall; sending flame and rubble flying across the children’s play area.

“That’s our ride, guys!” I ran to the Super Jet without looking back—I knew my bears would follow me anywhere.

Anywhere except…the dark place.

On the side of the Super Jet, an automatic door slid open. Pilot was waiting on the other side, looking nervous like he usually did.

“Man up, Pilot,” I commanded.

“Yes, sir.”

“Sir?” I repeated. He knew what I wanted. Sometimes Pilot could be a real buzz kill.

“I meant, ‘Yes, Lord Dino-Viking’.”

“Much better.” I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “We don’t have time for small talk! This place is burning from amazement!”

Pilot looked around, noticed the inferno for the first time. “Dear God, man! That means you—“

“Yes.” I cut him off. There was no time for this. “I found the twentieth bear. There’s nothing left standing between me and redemption. Now help my bears.”

I went to my Super Jet quarters, poured a drink of my favorite drink. Soon we ascended into the sky.

I thought of my twenty, all the time and sacrifice it had taken to acquire them. But that was in the past. Now, with the twenty complete, everything would change.

I clicked a button on my armchair. A holo-screen fizzled in front of me. “Pilot!” I barked, “Take me to the Doctor.”

“The Doctor? Lord Dino Viking, the only reason to see the Doctor is to—“

“I know. I am well aware. But like it or not that is where we must go.”

“Aye, aye.”

I felt the Super Jet’s course change.

I felt the course of everything change.

For the first time in ten years, I smiled.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A Poem for my Father

This is for you, dad. For all the times you said I had no talent and should give up at school.


The title of this poem is, "Awesome Poem" by me.

Awesome Poem

If I were an animal, I'd be a Dinosaur
If I had wings, I'd Dinosoar
If I worked out, I'd get Dinosore
If I were immortal, I'd never Dienosaur
I love you, Dad.
If I had indoor plumbing, it would connect with the Dinosewer
If I was hungry, I'd go to the Dinersaur
If I wanted to change my hair color, I'd use Dyenosaur
If I were smart, I'd Diknowsaur

Dedicated to my Father. The man who can't stand shaped me into the person I am today.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Adverbs

Okay, so apparently this whole "I'm a writer now" thing is much more difficult than previously thought. See, I have this stuffed animal on my bed friend that told me something about words that end in the letters LY. Like, they're not "literary" or something like that. My blunder. So I thought I'd take out the LY words from the rest of the longest and best story ever told except the completeLY necessary ones. Here goes:

I He walked AWESOMELY away from My his rocket. Then his dad started it up, but STUPIDLY enough it didn't work. He blamed me his son like he always did. That's when it happened. The boy realized the only true way to make his father proud was to find the only living dinosaurs left on the Earth. There was only one thing with enough AMAZINGLY great power to FINDLY find dinosaurs. That was 20 bears.

To be continuedly continued.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

It's Become So Clear, What I Must Do...

I've been away for a week. Doing what, you ask? Eating hot pockets Sitting in a chair comprised entirely of Saber Tooth Tiger skulls thinking. Thinking HARD. And finally, as if sent from the insane, twelve eyed alien beings from a dimension darker and more terrifying than our own that the zealots would have you call angels, I realized what I must do.

I must spread the word. It is my duty, no, my SUPREME HONOR to inform the droves of uneducated in the way of 20 bears.

I will write the best and longest book ever written.

Here goes:


Once, there was this guy. He was awesome. Not as awesome as dinosaurs, but he was so freaking cool that just by looking at Great White sharks he could make them turn into your mom Humpback whales. Anyway, he left the planet in a rocket he built with his dad, cause his dad loves him unlike JUST like my dad. His mission? Find the m**ther f**cking dinosaurs! You know they're out there! I'm not crazy, I'm visionary!

To be continued...

Friday, January 22, 2010

20 bears could tear down the Na'Vi tree of life. With their growls.

Yeah that was an Avatar reference, because I'm awesome like that. And also smart good looking.

Has anyone actually seen that movie? Cause on the real, everybody at the park pretends like they don't know what's up when I paint myself blue and shoot arrows at non-hybrid cars that pass by.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there lived a man. He did stuff. Then he died, but he was happy anyway.

THE END

Simple stories are often the best ones. I'm just sayin.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Hey they're flying your flag.

My cell phone broke.
My ipod broke.
Simultaneously.
Then, as if to mock my plight, a rainbow appeared overhead, glorious and radiant.
I'm talking the clearest, most upside down color-smile I've ever seen.
So I'm staring at this rainbow, and it seems to be saying, "Hey, it's okay that your cell phone and ipod broke. I'm here now, and I'm going to remind you that life is great and beautiful and everything will be fine in the end no matter how glum things look."

F**k you, rainbow.

You gonna pay the activation fee?

12. 20 bears could devour a rainbow and poop out terror the likes of which mankind has never seen with tempests tossing aside cities to the sea while volcanoes bury what little is left after the pitiful human resistance is mauled into oblivion by an all-blinding curtain of claw and fang a RAGEbow.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Awesomes

Q: "Hey, how come you like dinosaurs so much?"


A: Because dinosaurs, along with black holes, robots, and viking hats belong in a subcategory of the collective human conscience known only as THE AWESOMES.

Next question.

Q: "You got any more things that 20 bears can do?"

A: You bet I do.

11. 20 bears could have taught Helen Keller how to speak bear.

That's all you get. And be thankful you got as much as you did. I'm out of here I have to go cry in my room work out.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Okay, so I was out today with some friends and they informed me that they were all too busy having lives being stupid and lazy to add to my amazing 20 bears list.

Well, that's not a problem. I got it.

8. 20 bears can find Carmen San Diego.

9. 20 bears lost AND found Atlantis.



10. THE 20 BEAR GET RICH QUICK SCHEME:

Step 1--Find 20 bears.
Step 2--You're rich.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

20 Things That 20 Bears Can Do.

I'll start. There's no way I'm spending my time listing 20 things 20 bears can do by myself. I have much more important things to do, like seek my father's approval make out with girls.


1. 20 bears can successfully bring down a Tyrannosaurus Rex in a cage.

2. 20 bears can form a bear bridge across a moderately sized river (or a mad fat creek).

3. 20 bears can win the Super Bowl

4. 20 bears could have saved the Titanic.

5. 20 bears can time travel.

6. 20 bears DID save the Titanic (check your history book)

7. 20 bears can outnumber 19 bears.

Ok, your turn, people who aren't busy living a lie like me giving the ladies what they need.

I wish holding up a pack of MENTOS solved every problem

I have a story up online as part of a competition right here: http://clarityofnight.blogspot.com/2010/01/entry-203.html

You should look at it as well as the other entries, and then tell me I should give up.