20 Bears

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Lies End Now

I have to stop living in a dumpster behind a comic shop a lie. I think we all know that the greatest and longest story every told is not only amazing beyond comprehension, but also autobiographical (I think that means there are cars in it). I've tried to be a superhero called Dino-Rawr humble, but I feel that lying is just hurting the cause. I shall continue the story in a much more honest fashion. I apologize.

Chapter 1 (Of the REAL Longest and Greatest Story Ever Told)
As it Happened That I Came to Possess the Twentieth of Bears

In all the world, there are but two truths:

1. My father hates me.


2. The man who has twenty bears earns an existence free of locks and tethers. The world is his, but there will always be those that seek to destroy him.

Over the course of my twenty-seven years on this Earth, I have come to obtain twenty bears.

This is my story.

The building was ablaze. Chunks of fiery doom fell, almost ending our adventure where we stood. “It’s too much Awesome for the infrastructure to handle!” I screamed bellowed like a man. “Quickly, you must sound the call!”

One of my twenty let out a roar so deafening that the food court’s already weakened structural integrity gave way, crushing man, child, and corndog alike. I shuddered at their muffled cries, but, remembering my mission, was able to push any thought of sympathy to the back of my mind. “Good work,” I told my twenty. They growled their approval.

A Super Jet crashed through a nearby wall; sending flame and rubble flying across the children’s play area.

“That’s our ride, guys!” I ran to the Super Jet without looking back—I knew my bears would follow me anywhere.

Anywhere except…the dark place.

On the side of the Super Jet, an automatic door slid open. Pilot was waiting on the other side, looking nervous like he usually did.

“Man up, Pilot,” I commanded.

“Yes, sir.”

“Sir?” I repeated. He knew what I wanted. Sometimes Pilot could be a real buzz kill.

“I meant, ‘Yes, Lord Dino-Viking’.”

“Much better.” I grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “We don’t have time for small talk! This place is burning from amazement!”

Pilot looked around, noticed the inferno for the first time. “Dear God, man! That means you—“

“Yes.” I cut him off. There was no time for this. “I found the twentieth bear. There’s nothing left standing between me and redemption. Now help my bears.”

I went to my Super Jet quarters, poured a drink of my favorite drink. Soon we ascended into the sky.

I thought of my twenty, all the time and sacrifice it had taken to acquire them. But that was in the past. Now, with the twenty complete, everything would change.

I clicked a button on my armchair. A holo-screen fizzled in front of me. “Pilot!” I barked, “Take me to the Doctor.”

“The Doctor? Lord Dino Viking, the only reason to see the Doctor is to—“

“I know. I am well aware. But like it or not that is where we must go.”

“Aye, aye.”

I felt the Super Jet’s course change.

I felt the course of everything change.

For the first time in ten years, I smiled.


  1. I am burning with amazement...
    This is pulitzer prize-winning awesome.

  2. I just spewed Coke Zero all over my holo-screen.

  3. I enjoyed this so much! And the food court reference, love it!

  4. Holy crap, batman. I just made a podcast of this chapter--complete with roaring bears and other sound effects... how the crap do I upload it? Why is technology so frightening?